You Won’t Change Because You’re Told To

Why men grow through connection, not instruction

Author

Sunny Binjola
January 29, 2026

This past weekend, I was facilitating men’s workshops at a music festival in Hawaii.

Afterward, a number of women came up to me and shared the same frustration:

“I want my man to do this work.”
“I can see how much it helps.”
“But I don’t know how to get him there.”

I want to speak to you—whether you’re the man being asked to grow,
or the one doing the asking.

Most men don’t change because they’re told to.
They change when something actually matters to them.

If you’re honest, you already know this.

Most of us don’t respond well to being told what to do—especially by the people we love.
Not because they’re wrong,
but because instruction often lands as failure.

Another place we’re not enough.
Another thing we should already have figured out.

So the nervous system closes.
We defend. We resist.
Or we nod along and change nothing.

That’s not growth. That’s protection.

What does work is different.

Men grow when they feel what’s at stake.
Not in theory. In the body.

When men hear:

“I trust you more when you do this work.”
“I feel safer with you when you’re grounded.”
“I feel more connected when you slow down and breathe.”

That lands differently.

Because it’s not about fixing you.
It’s about connection.

And here’s the part that matters most:

If you’re waiting until you’re broken to do the work,
you’re choosing pain as the teacher.

You don’t have to wait for that moment.

Men’s work isn’t about being told what to do.
It’s about choosing the man you want to be—
before life forces the lesson.

Here’s what maturity adds:

Sometimes the people asking us to grow are seeing something true
that we can’t see yet.

Maturity is the ability to hear that—
without collapsing into defensiveness or dismissal.

Sometimes it’s an act of faith that we’re capable of more.

The work isn’t just learning to respond to connection.
It’s developing the capacity to be challenged and still stay open.

Two questions worth sitting with:

  • What would change in your life if you chose growth, not because you were pushed, but because connection actually matters to you?

  • And what would change if you could hear both the invitation to grow and the critique of where you’re stuck—without assuming either means you’re broken?

If this resonates, this is the kind of inquiry we practice together in men’s work. To learn more, book a free discovery call with me.